Sunday, December 28, 2014

Upward & Onward

Today today today.. I'm writing today ( well actually on the 19th at 11:41 pm and edited/ expanded upon now) because I feel like I need to. Have I been avoiding it? Yes. Absolutely yes. Hiding from myself perhaps. Isn't that an interesting concept? Losing yourself.. Hiding from yourself.. Running away from your own thoughts. I'm with me everyday yet it is surprisingly easy to avoid my true emotion. Anyways, whenever a new journey begins I suppose it is very natural to feel anxiety, uncertainty, doubt, sadness maybe. And it should feel / be different. And I also suppose there is no way to really prepare yourself for such a change. This big change in my life ( moving on from preschool and jumping into the unknown of finding myself in something I really want to do) is something I really wanted / needed. NEEDED. Unfortunately that fact hasn't made this transition easier. I just have to say thank goodness that I have so many people in my life who love me unconditionally and are understanding of my ways... My hermit ways. My I probably won't text you back ways.. My I can't do anything because Ive had a migraine for over a week ways. TRUE STORY. As the haze is clearing from physical pain and avoidance behavior I am coming back into myself. I am very naturally pessimistic, in my nerves and bones. Yet this past year I really have tried to make a conscious decision to change that. Have a positive perspective, believe the best in situations and in people. Take responsibility for my own actions and let go of things that are out of my control. As a wise friend shared this year, " change or accept." Of course! It has been so hard to remember this as the weight of my life decisions has fallen on my shoulders so hard, ( paired with my tendency for introversion) it has quite literally turned me into a shell. A shell of a person. A shell protecting all my vulnerability and doubt that I don't want anyone to know about or see. Fight or Flight Lindsey? Clearly, I'm a "go in the corner and hide from it all" kind of gal. I suppose awareness is the first step of change. Anyways, I've had a lot of questions about my blog and how I'm doing, and I really want to start this new year off by being myself and not hiding in a corner. So there you are! Welcome to inside my head: a jumble of who I am, who I want to be, mixed in with migraines, crazy iconvient work schedules, and the occasional, not so occasional, anxiety attack. Breathe. Breathe. Cause yolo and stuff...

Thank you for reading

P.S. I'm not sure where this blog is going but it's going... There may be fashion there may be rambling .. There will hopefully be pictures! Slow and steady.

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